


Reflection

by Ryu_Hye_Yeon



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Family, Friendship, Gen, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-06 22:31:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16841716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Hye_Yeon/pseuds/Ryu_Hye_Yeon
Summary: Heechul scanned the sapphire blue ocean and reflects on how he managed to make it to standing here. Set during SS7 Tokyo, Dec 1st.





	Reflection

The second day of SS7 in Tokyo Dome was coming to an end. All the performances for the night were over and they had only a little time left to give their ments. The members stood in one line with Leeteuk at one end and Heechul at the other. 

  
Before they could start their ments though, ELFs surprised them with a fan project. 

  
Though it wasn’t exactly a surprise to be honest. All the members expected this since it was almost like a tradition for ELFs to carry out fan projects on the last day of their concert tour anyway. But knowing there was something that was going to happen didn’t mean they weren’t excited to see what it was going to be.

  
Heechul scanned the audience, noticing the fans holding up banners that read, “Super Junior, Welcome Back to Tokyo Dome.” 

  
_Welcome back._

  
It was such a simple message, but seeing all of them hold up the same banner made his heart all warm and fuzzy. 

  
Before they started their first night in Tokyo Dome, all the members were anxious and worried. After all, it had been 4 years since they last held a Super Show in Japan. What if the fans moved on and forgot all about them? They weren’t as popular as they were previously anymore, not to mention their group wasn’t complete at the moment too. 

  
It was a fear that constantly haunted Heechul and the rest of the members. It was a scary thing to imagine; the people who used to support you end up leaving. Someday, they won’t be able to perform anymore. Idols only exist when fans are there for them. All this happiness he got from performing with his members could disappear anytime. 

  
So seeing fans welcome them back with love, relief rushed through him as all his anxiety and worries dispersed. The fact that their fans still stayed with them should have hit him already when their tickets were sold out, but all the busyness from preparing for the concerts led him to worry unnecessarily. 

  
He heard Leeteuk and Hyukjae exclaiming loudly over the fan project. The other members followed after them, commenting on how amazing it is. 

  
Heechul remained silent though. He didn’t know what to say or feel upon this view. Despite being in an idol group for 13 years and successfully holding hundreds of concerts all over the world, everything still felt surreal to him. 

  
Fifty-five thousands of people came and are chanting with all their hearts _just for them_. They love him. He knew that. 

  
But who was he to be this blessed?

  
He was just a normal person. Maybe he was good at singing, but there were so many greater singers out there and younger idol groups too. He wasn’t any special and didn’t feel like he was deserving of such love. 

  
Heechul closed his eyes for a moment. Despite the loud cheers around him, he took a step back and fell into his own quiet world. 

  
No matter how many times he had stood on stage to perform for fans, his heart always gets overwhelmed by the same warmth. It could be too much at times that his heart felt like bursting from receiving so much love.

  
Heechul opened his eyes to scan the blue ocean again. His eyes brimmed with hot tears but he turned sideways and blinked them away.   
Every time a Super Show came to an end, Heechul ended up reflecting on how he even made it to here.

  
He had to give up many things.

  
His youth, his freedom, his leg.

  
He didn’t get to spend his youth like any other teenager, he didn’t have the freedom to be himself without getting criticized, and he didn’t get to date anyone he liked or even think about marrying them. 

  
His life wasn’t his from the day he decided to be an idol.

  
Sometimes late at night, Heechul’s mind would wander. How would life be if he didn’t debut as a Super Junior member? 

  
He wouldn’t be involved in that damned car accident. Maybe he would already be happily married now with his own kids. There were just so many maybes. 

  
Although he had come to terms with his situation and started acting without giving a damn about anyone else’s view of him, sometimes, Heechul couldn’t help but wonder.

  
Taking in this stunning yet unreal scene in front of him again though, all his regrets and doubts instantly vanished like they never even existed.

  
He may have lost a lot of things, but he gained so much more that he wouldn’t trade the world for. He got himself 14 brothers who would stand beside him regardless of anything that happened and millions of fans who he knew would stand behind him to hold him up if he ever stumbled again.

  
_It was worth it._

  
Even though his leg was aching with sharp pain now, he didn’t care. His heart was so full with love; it didn’t seem to hurt that much anymore. And he was blessed enough to be standing here today as well. With the condition of his leg, he didn’t know how long he had to keep performing with his members. It wasn’t worth wasting even a second of this precious time to be worrying about the future. 

  
While he was deep in his own thoughts, the others finished up their ment and it was his turn. Heechul took out a letter. It was uncharacteristic of him, so his members gasped in disbelief. He knew that it was just for show though. His members were all aware of how sentimental Heechul really was underneath that cold exterior.

  
He had spent an hour after they finished up their concert yesterday to write this. No words could fully express how grateful he was to the fans though and since he was never an expressive person to begin with, it was really a struggle for him. He spent 30 minutes staring at the blank piece of paper, not knowing where to start. In the end, he did finish it though, because he really wanted the fans to know how grateful he was and is to them, now and forever. 

  
It was only a few lines, but Heechul knew his fans would understand. He never lied to his fans. He never said untrue or flattering things to please them. He didn’t want them to end up delusional or heartbroken because of his lies. He meant 100% of every single word in his letter. Over the years, his fans understood him, and took his every word seriously.

  
And so, he read, full of sincerity lacing his voice.

  
_“I remember that our first concert in Tokyo Dome was 10 years ago. 10 years later, we’re standing here again and you’re all here too. Thank you for not forgetting us. Thank you for your love. I won’t forget this for the rest of my life. What these eyes have seen will not be forgotten.”_

  
Fans cheered when he finished reading his letter. Siwon and Hyukjae teased him about his letter, but he knew they didn’t mean to poke fun at his feelings. It was just easier to leave with a light and happy mood than sad and unwilling.

  
Alas, it was time to leave the stage.

  
Exhaustion was creeping up on him, and as someone who rarely worked out, he was ready to fall over and sleep the night away. But his heart felt heavier than his body at this moment to have to leave their fans.

  
Unfortunately, no matter how badly he wished to stay a little while longer, he didn’t have a choice but to leave.  
But that was okay.

  
They’ll meet again next time.

  
Heechul gave one last long look at the audience, trying to save this scene and feelings in his heart. He never want this view to fade away.

  
_Until the next time we meet, I’ll give it my all to be the best version of myself._

  
_The Kim Heechul that you all can proudly say you’re a fan of without feeling ashamed._   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Before anything else is said, I’d like to thank you for reading this little story of mine up! I really appreciate that you gave it a shot! <3
> 
> I wrote this after reading Heechul’s letter translation on twitter. We all know how Heechul usually doesn’t openly tell us he loves us, so when he did just that, I got really overwhelmed. I just love him so very much. I felt like the moment went by too fast, with Hyukjae teasing him so I decided to write a story, focusing on what he would have been thinking before, while and after reading the letter. It was mostly for myself since as you can tell, there’s not much plot in this. 
> 
> Also! The letter content isn’t exactly 100% accurate. I referenced to several translations on Twitter, added a few words and changed the sequence a little to make it flow better.
> 
> Anyway, this is my first ever Suju fanfic and I know it’s nowhere near great, but I would still appreciate it very much if you left a comment! Any comments are loved, even as simple as an emoticon!


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